I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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