ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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