Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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