she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize