Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
