Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
