I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
this beer tastes like vomit already
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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