I accidentally had phone sex last night
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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