I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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