I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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