She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
