cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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