If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize