Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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