every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
