Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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