I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
