You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
