what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
