Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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