I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
