Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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