I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
