I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He did a backflip because drugs
So here I am, sexting at work.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
