remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Your penis caused this!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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