If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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