All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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