They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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