I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
