Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
