Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
