just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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