He had one of those small greek statue penises
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
