Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize