i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
