Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
