she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize