I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
