even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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