So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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