Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
