If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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