Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
