Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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