do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
They took my balls.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
