how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The best revenge is premature balding
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
