Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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