Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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