if i can run in heels then i can drive
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
