You don't have asthma, your pregnant
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
