I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
