I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
