happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize