I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
