One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
