she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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