Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
