you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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