That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize