seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
