For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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