i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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