but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize