why im i the only drunk person in the library?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
