U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
