She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
