if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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