I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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