i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
