Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
