I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
