we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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